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Lorenzo Stoakes
ljs
dark topics
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Sometimes I think, wow I'm 42 and I haven't achieved X, Y or Z that I wish I had by now when there are people half my age or younger who've done way more than me.
But then I remember what happened to me, grew up in a cult, made to do wrong (very, very stressful) degree, had an ongoing family crisis where a very close family member kept on trying to kill themselves (suffering from SEVERE mental illness), had my university give me literally no support (in fact quite the opposite, treated like scum).
And at university so many terrible things happened to me, it was the worst time of my life, it's a wonder I didn't top myself. My then partner was probably the only reason I survived that (of course that fell apart).
Then trying to build up a career from nothing, let alone trying to get into low-level/kernel stuff and suffering from severe depression for many years (thankfully now greatly diminished).
At no point did I have any help, support or sympathy, rather typically the opposite - derision and attack.
I had to fight through working at a startup where the boss was a malignant narcissist (now a prominent anti-vaxxer) who, because I didn't kiss his ass, gaslit me as if I were stupid and useless.
Then working against the grain to get where I am now.
It set me back 10-15 years at least. It's hard to forgive or get past it, but sometimes that's what life does to you and it's totally unforgiving.
What can hurt sometimes is that nobody knows or sees that, just assumes you always had it easy and person X who is 20 years younger and has achieved more is somehow objectively superior to you.
This is why it's important to always have empathy, you have no idea what somebody might have gone through to get where they are or why they may not be as successful as you think they ought to be.
Of course I am always my own harshest judge... it's important for me to remind myself of what I've been through and how that's held me back, but now I've found ways of getting through it regardless.
This is why I can't stand the people who tout the 'anything is possible it's all up to you' stuff. I fucking wish.
But then I remember what happened to me, grew up in a cult, made to do wrong (very, very stressful) degree, had an ongoing family crisis where a very close family member kept on trying to kill themselves (suffering from SEVERE mental illness), had my university give me literally no support (in fact quite the opposite, treated like scum).
And at university so many terrible things happened to me, it was the worst time of my life, it's a wonder I didn't top myself. My then partner was probably the only reason I survived that (of course that fell apart).
Then trying to build up a career from nothing, let alone trying to get into low-level/kernel stuff and suffering from severe depression for many years (thankfully now greatly diminished).
At no point did I have any help, support or sympathy, rather typically the opposite - derision and attack.
I had to fight through working at a startup where the boss was a malignant narcissist (now a prominent anti-vaxxer) who, because I didn't kiss his ass, gaslit me as if I were stupid and useless.
Then working against the grain to get where I am now.
It set me back 10-15 years at least. It's hard to forgive or get past it, but sometimes that's what life does to you and it's totally unforgiving.
What can hurt sometimes is that nobody knows or sees that, just assumes you always had it easy and person X who is 20 years younger and has achieved more is somehow objectively superior to you.
This is why it's important to always have empathy, you have no idea what somebody might have gone through to get where they are or why they may not be as successful as you think they ought to be.
Of course I am always my own harshest judge... it's important for me to remind myself of what I've been through and how that's held me back, but now I've found ways of getting through it regardless.
This is why I can't stand the people who tout the 'anything is possible it's all up to you' stuff. I fucking wish.
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re: dark topics
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you might also realise this is why I am not a huge fan of the '10x engineer aren't they such a wunderbar genius wow how is this possible' type narratives some have applied to them.
Or the 'talent will out' stuff. I guarantee you there are a significant number of people working retail who could have been professors of X, Y, Z had circumstances prevailed. And probably many professors who'd be better suited to retail...
These things are a complicated mix of talent, opportunity and luck but only one of those 3 do people like to focus on + pretend as if the other 2 don't exist.
And I have been on the lucky side myself too (cashed out of said toxic, awful startup due to getting lucky with VC buyback, not enough to be rich but enough to help with house purchase), as well as some profoundly bad luck.
It's far scarier to imagine in life that you are at least in part beholden to forces out of your control, but that's the reality.
Or the 'talent will out' stuff. I guarantee you there are a significant number of people working retail who could have been professors of X, Y, Z had circumstances prevailed. And probably many professors who'd be better suited to retail...
These things are a complicated mix of talent, opportunity and luck but only one of those 3 do people like to focus on + pretend as if the other 2 don't exist.
And I have been on the lucky side myself too (cashed out of said toxic, awful startup due to getting lucky with VC buyback, not enough to be rich but enough to help with house purchase), as well as some profoundly bad luck.
It's far scarier to imagine in life that you are at least in part beholden to forces out of your control, but that's the reality.
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An aspect of all this, spoken in its purest and most powerful form in Primo Levi's chapter 'shame' in the incredible 'The Drowned and the Saved'.
First a disclaimer...
In that book he talks about the Holocaust and OF COURSE nothing I have experienced, nor nearly anybody alive, comes within 1 micron of comparing to that, in no way would I dare make such a comparison.
But the power of his work is that through the most extreme of circumstances, he observed key aspects of human behaviour, those which lie at the root of people. Therefore, these same observations apply even in vastly less extreme circumstances.
...Disclaimer over
In that chapter he talks about how, when something terrible has happened, people feel shame that such an experience can even exist, and so as a result don't treat the victims of that thing well, but rather treat them with disgust or indifference at best.
And I've observed this same tendency so many times to greater or lesser degrees. Everybody likes to think they're kind and wise and supportive, but in reality it's only ever to a certain degree, beyond that people push things away.
So when things go wrong in your life, you have to contend with that thing, and in addition to that the disgust of those who don't want to admit that such a thing can happen.
First a disclaimer...
In that book he talks about the Holocaust and OF COURSE nothing I have experienced, nor nearly anybody alive, comes within 1 micron of comparing to that, in no way would I dare make such a comparison.
But the power of his work is that through the most extreme of circumstances, he observed key aspects of human behaviour, those which lie at the root of people. Therefore, these same observations apply even in vastly less extreme circumstances.
...Disclaimer over
In that chapter he talks about how, when something terrible has happened, people feel shame that such an experience can even exist, and so as a result don't treat the victims of that thing well, but rather treat them with disgust or indifference at best.
And I've observed this same tendency so many times to greater or lesser degrees. Everybody likes to think they're kind and wise and supportive, but in reality it's only ever to a certain degree, beyond that people push things away.
So when things go wrong in your life, you have to contend with that thing, and in addition to that the disgust of those who don't want to admit that such a thing can happen.
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@ljs
Sorry for what you had to go through.
Reminds me of my parents' lives. It hasn't been long since the quality of life in South Korea greatly improved.
My father and mother couldn't even finish high school because they had to work to support their family.
They tried their best not to make me (and my sisters) experience the same thing. I am always thankful to them.
These days the situation is much better. Many people are not forced to work and give up studying. And on the internet you can find most things you need for studying something.
Sorry for what you had to go through.
Reminds me of my parents' lives. It hasn't been long since the quality of life in South Korea greatly improved.
My father and mother couldn't even finish high school because they had to work to support their family.
They tried their best not to make me (and my sisters) experience the same thing. I am always thankful to them.
These days the situation is much better. Many people are not forced to work and give up studying. And on the internet you can find most things you need for studying something.
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